Sir, You Are A C*nt

In Sevres, France there is something called the International Prototype Kilogram (IPK). It is a platinum-iridium alloy lump that sits in a vault at the BIPM and serves as THE official kilogram against which all others are compared.
In a like manner, I am suggesting that you be made the official IPC (International Prototype Cunt). You can be kept under two nested glass bell jars with gold plating underneath labeled simply “CUNT”. You will be kept in a secure vault in London and rolled out when necessary to resolve disputes.
For example, I might be sitting in a bar watching the footy and say “That Lee McCulloch is the biggest cunt on earth”. A fellow drinker might remark that I am incorrect…that actually David Cameron is a much bigger cunt and should hold the title.
It is at this point that you will be employed to settle the argument. When wheeled out and placed next to these other cunts, it will be possible to quantify them against a standard that is now a known constant and thus applicable across the globe. McCulloch might be labeled a -3DM Cunt (or, a minus 3 on the DM Scale) and Cameron a -1DM.
All ratings would have to have a minus sign to denote that they are lesser cunts than you – it is simply not possible to have a +3DM cunt exist. It would imply a cunt that is three orders of magnitude greater than you. A person can certainly approach DM, but like the speed of light, it cannot be reached. Except by you. Such a thing would violate all known laws of physics and causality. It would literally tear space and time – at least in this universe.
This system would essentially eliminate measurement errors. I used to think that Maurice Johnston was the largest cunt on earth and no bigger one was possible. You changed all that. I imagine that exposure to you will wreak havoc with many people’s rating systems. Thousands of cunts will go tumbling down the charts as you assume your place at the top of all of them and cause a mass re-ordering of the system.
Like the Black Swan, you have appeared and made people rethink what is possible. A person with a rating of exactly DM were not supposed to exist…yet here you are.
But from this initial chaos will emerge order. Like the metric system, it will be hard to impose on everyone but the DM system will make things far easier going forward.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s